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Poppy wants to live in a world where everyone's story matters, regardless of their income or way of life.

As a photographer, she's won ribbons at the county fair. As a spiritual seeker and writer, she's been featured in Jen Louden's The Life Organizer and once published an article at allthingsgirl.net.

When she's not writing or photographing her story, she can be found at her day job as a technology consultant, or at home snuggling her cats, or in the park, taking a walk with her husband.

H&H: Sparkly Firefly Edition

Here’s one pattern I see repeating across my life:

  • I have friends. I belong to a group. We have fun.
  • Then, times get hard, people stop hanging out, stop making excuses to get together. This can be as much as economic hard times (2006-2008) or as little as “it’s winter and we don’t want to walk to the bus stop if we don’t have to” (1998 - 99).
  • Internally, I take “people not going out of their way to do stuff with me” to be a personal rejection in some way. I get anxious about whether or not it means I offended somebody, if it was something that I did, if it was a rejection of someone I let into my life... generally anxious about what it means about ME that I’m no longer on the A-list. Even if there isn’t an A-list and people just aren’t into being social right then.
  • Feeling anxious makes me pull away even further from people, to prevent them from hurting me. Meanwhile, if they notice me pulling away, they ??? [assume that I’m doing it for my own reasons?] [wonder if they’ve offended me and feel anxious about not being wanted?] [WOW - here’s a really deep part of that pattern - I keep trying to read their minds to see why they let me pull back when, really, I don’t know what they’re thinking. And since “they” are more than one person, each of them could be thinking something completely different.]
  • Cycle continues in a spiral until eventually, I give up and move to another city, where I (hopefully) make new friends and start over. After a few years, it's highly likely that something will happen to trigger the same pattern.

It's hardly the first time I've noticed this pattern, and it's repeated about 3 times so far. It came to my notice this morning after Shiva Nata, so I wrote it down. Right now, I'm not feeling a huge amount of pain relating to this pattern, which makes it easier to look at. But I also don't know what to do with it. I mean - it's BIG!

Now that I've asked the question - what do I DO with this pattern, some sparkly possibilities are approaching me (they're like fireflies!)

  • I could write up a "personal ad" asking a solution to get in touch with me.
  • I could talk to FutureMe who has already moved past this pattern to see what advice she has.
  • I could keep on with the self-compassion study and the Shiva Nata and see if they combine in interesting ways to open doors I can't see now.
  • I could ask the monkeys that keep me awake at night if they could hammer out something while I'm sleeping
  • I could do a LOT more writing on it.

Commenting Picnic Shelter

What I'm open to receiving:

  • Hugs
  • Your history with a similar pattern
  • Warm wishes

What I'm not open to receiving:

  • Advice on how to handle this pattern
  • Finger-pointing
  • Advertisements for your patented Problem Solving Method

H&H: Au Revior, 2012

H&H: Musical Connection Quest