A Woman, Thinking

Queen of Me: Personal Ad #4

Poppy Lochridge
I have inherited in many ways an aversion to wanting. Needing. I write each week to practice wishing and wanting and needing, in hopes that it becomes a sustainable habit and something that Future Me performs with ease.

This is the 4th week we have been wishing.

You are welcome to play along in the comments.

What do I want?

I’d like an end to the helplessness and grief.

 

There’s been a lot shared in the last week about How to Grieve and What’s Allowed for the white, straight person demoralized and pained by the shooting in Orlando. It’s been hard to read, not least because any push back on how or why we grieve when we’re not directly affected feels in the moment like rejection. I want safety - I want safety for all of us, really, but I want sanctuary away from the demanding that so easily induces shame long enough to process my way to an honest Yes or No. All of the telling-us-what-to-do-and-how-to-behave piling on top of existing overwhelm, and I want to remember that I am Queen of Me. 

 

I want to remember that all of the how-to and the you-must or must-nots are other people’s stories. They are feedback for me, material out of which I can make my own response.

 

Striving to be an ally is one of the few places I struggle with perfectionism. It seems like there is always something I’m not doing “enough” of - reaching out to people I know who are LGBTQ to make sure they know I love them and am thinking of them. Writing my politicians to support gun control and equal rights. Attending parades and fundraisers and giving blood and and and - everything I read about being a good ally feels prescriptive, and I’m not sure it’s possible to meet the mark without dedicating oneself, body and soul, to the effort. And were I to make that dedication, my life would falter. This is my challenge as a person with privilege in some key areas - claiming the authority of deciding how much is enough for me.

 

Superpowers

This week, I am calling in the superpower of Finding My Alter-Ego. This is a search for the best version of me to handle the current events - what might she be like?

 

How to play along

Because safety is a core value for me, I am asking that comments in this space avoid all the ugly things: shame, blame, judgement. I am asking that disagreement and discussion be polite, respectful, generous, and open to vulnerability.

Because community is healthy behavior, I welcome you to comment, to share your own wants and wishes, to discuss wishing with empathy with me and with each other.